At some point, we all decided that it would be a good change of pace to not eat the college's buffet-style cafeteria shit day in, day out. It was decided then that we should swap our on-campus friday night buffet for off-campus Chinese buffet. A higher quality of shit would be good for our stomachs was the general consensus. So pretty much every friday night we went out to the Chinese buffet that was about two miles from campus. Only two guys on our dorm floor had a car: Dickface Tim and Jimbo. Out of the two, Jimbo was the sure-shot since unlike the other guy he was not a detestable fool whom we all loathed. With the promise of his price of admission being covered by us he agreed to take us to the buffet every friday.

    There was one friday that was far more memorable than all the others. This friday would also be our last to the buffet as we were forever banned for what happened that night. This is the story of how we got banned from the Chinese buffet.

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    As usual, we were all ready to go around 7. My roommate, we'll call him "Sarge" (He was in ROTC), wasn't going this time. He said something about eating light for something something, whatever fuck 'em. So it was just the guy across the hall from us, we'll call him "A.D.D." (He didn't really have ADD but his lack of attentiveness is legendary), two roommates from down the hall: "K" (A jolly big kid, the dude looks just like Peter Jackson) and "Tony Hawk", (He was a rollerblader but much to his annoyance, every time we saw him outside we would yell things like: "GET 'EM TONY HAWK!! Shred that sidewalk!" or "Dude! Your skateboarding video game kicks ass!"), and of course "Jimbo", who was rocking his old BMW 2002.

    Anyway, the five of us go to pile into the aging sedan. Usually it's six of us in this car and quite a squeeze. It's no exaggeration that it takes us a minute to stuff the last person into the car. We were quite thankful that it was only five of us tonight. I made a remark about mexicans and packed cars that elicits laughter from the group and off we go.

    When we get there I notice that K has an extra bulge protruding from his already sizeable frame. As we walk to the entrance I inquire about it. He pulls out from under his shirt a black leather bag. He says he intends to take back as many crab legs as he can fit in there. We make fun of the fat bastard and his lofty plans reminding him that the owner of the place, we called him General Sao, will never let him out with that bag.

"General Sao will never see it," he replied.

[General Sao was so nicknamed because he was the kind of guy who demanded a certain respect or maybe it was fear... Anyway, he was the kind of guy who patrolled his restaurant always making sure things are up to his spec, like a general making sure his camp is ready for war.]

    We reach the entrance and as usual we are greeted by Mama Sao. What's different however, is that Mama Sao is flanked by two absolutely fucking beautiful asian girls. But they were younger than us, they couldn't have been a day over 16. Tony Hawk is your average middle america male and he adheres quite stringently to the stereotype that white men love exotic women to no end. The sight of these girls sends Tony into full-on sexual, passive-aggressive mode. He immediately inquires about the girls and Mama Sao answers they are her nieces filling in for some people who are on vacation.

    I sense that Tony is going to try some weak attempt at spitting game thereby embarrassing himself and the rest of us, so I nudge him in the back towards the interior of the restaurant.

    Disposing of our jackets at the first empty table we get to, we go in for the first round of food. While we are stuffing our faces, Tony can not shut up about the two girls. He goes on and on to no one in particular how much he would like to taste them instead of the food. For the most part we ignore him but he does not let up. Mouth full or not, he exclaims all sorts of "facts" about how tight Asian women are, how much they love white guys with blond hair, and how they are not as innocent as they seem. A.D.D. is losing interest fast and tells him to shut up or he is going to shove some Dim Sum items up his ass. Tony continues undeterred. A classic exchange between the two:

"Once you get one Asian chick, you can get with ALL the other Asian chicks. You know how they all hang out together and never seem to talk to anyone else. Once they see you with an Asian chick, you get access to the club man. It's like this buffet, once you're in it's all you can eat fellas."

"Dude, you don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about. The Asian chick that gets with you will be out of the club permanently. You can't break down that wall."

"If I can just get one Asian chick, I will be up to my neck in tight Asian pussy. I'm telling you guys."

"The day you're up to your neck in pussy is the day you try to eat some fat girl out and your head ends up in her uterus."

    At some point during the dinner, I was the only one at the table. Stuffing my face happily I was unconcerned with my surroundings. I began to choke a little and reached for my glass of water. Looking up while I drank I saw the two ultra hot Asian chicks looking my way. Having about 1/2 the intelligence I have today I always played the fool and hoped chicks thought it was cute. I grinned in their general direction, rubbed my tummy, and gave them two thumbs up. They looked at each other and laughed. The rest of the crew came back with at least two ridiculously overflowing plates of food. They sat down and began stuffing their faces once more. The two girls slowly crept over and stood at the head of the table right next to me. We were seated two on one side and three on the other side of a rectangular table. Tony and K had their backs to the food area and the rest of us had our backs to the windows.

    The two girls studied the honorifically greedy portions on the plate and then one of them said, "You guys really like Chinese food huh?"

    Up to this point, I was the only one who had seen them come over. The reaction of the table was instant stunned silence.

"Yeah, we come here every Friday night," I uttered after packing away some of Sao's chicken. "K likes it so much he brought a doggy bag to take home with him."

    K was sitting right across from me and he had the bag between his legs. He was quite proud of his little plan and not at all afraid to show it. He kicked it out from under the table and opened it while he said with great enthusiasm, "Yeah, check it out."

"Oh my GOD!" One of them said and the two girls laughed hysterically at the sight.

    K's bag was overflowing with frikkin crab legs. This surprised the hell out of us as we hadn't even seen him take one crab leg yet. I got to hand it to him, for such a big guy he had mad stealth game.

    Tony hadn't taken his eyes off of them since they spoke and now he saw his chance to kick something to the girls."Hey, I-love-Chinese-I'd-eat-it-every-day-if-I-could-I swear-if-there-was-a-Chinese-place-close-to-campus-I'd-be-eating- Chinese-all-day-and-without-stopping....."

    The man was a rambling fool, and barely breathing as he spit out sentence after sentence. The girls politely nodded at his nonsense but the rest of us couldn't take it anymore, especially A.D.D. Cutting off one of Tony's ramblings, he said quite loudly, "Tony here thinks that Asian girls go crazy for white guys with blond hair, so are you like totally wet right now?"

    The two girls looked at each other with a WTF? expression on their faces. Tony tossed his head back and forth between A.D.D and the girls a few times. Then as he put his hand on his head to smooth out his horribly kept blond hair we all burst into laughter.

    Tony smiled a little, and then said, 'Hey, why-don't-you-girls-sit-down-and join-us?"

"Um no we're ok. We ate already."

    Before Tony could retort, General Sao yelled something in a language we couldn't understand from behind the front counter. The girls turned and one replied, saying some stuff we couldn't understand either. One of them turned to us and said, "He needs us so we're gonna go now."

As they turned to walk away, Tony let out a feeble, "Oh, ok-well-we'll-probably-talk-to-ya...." No one was really listening him.

"Dude what the fuck was that?!?," he yelled at A.D.D

"What the fuck was what?," A.D.D replied.

"Man, if you fucking ask them to their face of course they're not gonna say anything. You totally fucked me up man, I had that shit wrapped up. You're a goddammed cockblocking son of a bitch."

"Delusions, delusions, delusions," A.D.D coolly muttered.

    We all laughed. But, regretted it. We were so damn full it hurt to move much. Tony on the other hand was like a damn squirrel. He couldn't stop fidgeting around and relax. After a few minutes of attempting to let our food settle, Tony got up and bolted towards the food area again. Looking up to see him go I noticed both of the hot girls carrying a large tray of crab legs.

    Apparently, K had cleaned them out so good that they were double timing the damn things out of the kitchen as fast as they could. Tony immediately started to talk to the girls as they tried to take out the empty trays and replace it with the full ones.

"Aw geez, I suppose he's telling them how much he loves crab legs now," I said. Speaking of crab legs, I took a look at K in front of me. The dude had been kinda quiet lately and now I saw why. His normally pasty white face had turned a shade of green and he was sweating profusely.

"Yo... K. You alright man?," I asked. The other guys looked over at him.

"Holy shit dude, you look like a freshly washed, overweight celery stick," Jimbo let out. K groaned a little and let out a sloppy belch. We all reflexively leaned back and away from him.

    I've seen some pretty ill shit in my short time on the this earth, but nothing could have prepared me for the sight I was about to witness. What follows is how the rest of the event unfolded simultaneously.