When I occasionally went to class I did so on my bike. There were many reasons for me to do so. First, I hate walking in crowds for some odd reason. Everyone just seems like they're in my frikkin' way and they need to move. Second, the trip from the dorm to the buildings where boredom, I mean class was being held was also about a 3/4 mile hike. I've walked much further distances but, had more motivation in those circumstances. Third, I am an absolute frikkin speed-craving lunatic.

    Apparently, many of the people who went around campus on wheels (mostly guys) identified with the third reason. Almost every day I whizzed past somebody barely missing a possibly fatal accident for us both and neither of us would so much as blink an eye. This story however, is about one of those times when I did run into something. Or should I say we ran into something..

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    Me and 'Tony Hawk' were in the same Computer Science class one semester and though we both started from the same place. (The Dorm.) We never went there together. On the way back though, we usually raced each other. Tony would ride his bike to this class since obviously his roller blades were no match.

    One day we were racing and had a pretty good lead, but I was coming up on a section of campus we affectionately referred to as "Roadkill Hill." Being downhill on the way back to the dorm, this was a spot on campus that was easily the fastest for anyone on wheels, but often had the highest concentration of people standing in your way. I wager it is obvious now why we call this Roadkill Hill. Not one day went by without somebody getting hit by something. However, it never happened to us, so we didn't care.

    Coming up on Roadkill Hill, I saw that the damn thing was absolutely clear. There was no one standing around flapping their worthless gums to their worthless friends. Suddenly, I felt a new maniacal urge growing inside me. I wasn't just going to beat Tony today, I was going to annihilate him. I pedaled as hard as I could to the empty space. Unfortunately, I was not alone speeding towards this patch of land. Another reason why Roadkill Hill was so named was because it offered several blinds corners, as little pathways from other parts of campus converge there. Sometimes it was shrubbery, sometimes a building or two blocking the view. Regardless, it didn't matter where you were coming from, you didn't see anyone until you got to the opening.

    What I didn't see on this day were two rollerbladers, a skateboarder, another cyclist, and a kid running for some class each coming from a different blind corner.

    Words can't really describe the location so I drew a "VERY HIGH" quality diagram:

    Try and contain your amazement and admiration of my mad diagram skills.

    Everyone involved, is here and shown with an arrow indicating the direction they were traveling while coming out of the blind corners. My arrows are, of course, blue.

    So here's how this all panned out... I'm doing about 25-30 on the bike. I thought I was going pretty fast, but the cyclist on my right must of thought this was the X-Games or something cuz he was doing at least 40. I couldn't see exactly why but his leg got caught in the chain while he was peddling. This caused enough of a stop that he flew over the handlebars of his bike. I swerved right to avoid hitting him but, the skateboarder didn't move so fast. He got caught in the stomach with one of the biker's legs as he tumbled through the air. The skateboarder reeled backwards and the skateboard flew out from under him. The skateboard then, flew up and into... my ribs. The sharp pain was enough for me to lose my balance on the bike but I had braked enough, that as the bike went down I was able to get a foot on the ground before anything else hit. However, I was still going too fast to stop completely. I stumbled for about five steps constantly gaining and losing my balance when... the bladers arrive. The first blader flew right by me but I slammed into the second one. We went down in a heap when... here comes Tony Hawk, flying into the corridor like X-Games contestant #2. Depending on what kind of person you are, Tony pulled either the smartest or the most incredibly selfish stunt of all time. Seeing the mayhem in front of him, he simply jumped backwards off of his bike. He would later tell me that he figured the bike would fall on its own, but it didn't. It kept going as if he was still riding, but was leaning ever so slightly to it's left. It went pretty much all the way down the middle of the hill. Passing the heap of the other cyclist and the boarder, then the heap of me and the blader, it kept leaning further and further left. The kid who was running to class was completely oblivious. He was like Carl Lewis, hauling ass like there was no tomorrow. It wasn't until a split second before it hit him that he seemed to pay some attention. There was a "LOOKOUT!" or two, but it was too late. The impact elicited an "OOOOOOOO..." from those of us on the ground and hurting already. The kid and the bike ended up in a slightly tangled mess, but it managed to miss his crotch, so only an "OOF" came from him. Somehow, unfazed the kid just got right back up and again started running (albeit a bit slower this time) to whatever class he so desperately needed to attend. I turned to look up at Tony, who had his hands in his pockets and was looking away while the kid ran past him. Even though it's been four years that kid's gotta be wondering where that bike came from to this day.

    What made this experience totally satisfying happened next. One of the members of our archenemies, the Computer Science House, came rolling up on his unicycle. Yes, that's right, a unicycle. (This guy was an absolute trip, I may detail his persona in another entry.)  He had in his hand a cop of coffee as he rolled up and balanced himself on the cycle. He took a sip and said smiling, "Whoa! Clean up on aisle seven! Hahaha!"

"Yeah, that's real original asshole," I replied.

    Still smiling he went to take another sip when he lost his balance. The cycle went out from under him as he fell backwards. With his right hand still holding the coffee, his left land went out to try and break his fall. As his back hit the pavement his right hand fell on his chest. The lid popped off his coffee and spilled all over his neck and face. As he screamed in pain from the burns he was receiving, everyone involved in the accident laughed hysterically. The people who came over with concern on their faces must of thought we were sick. Well, I guess we were. But I don't care, that shit was funny.

    Nobody got seriously hurt, except for maybe the unicycle kid. And nobody gave a damn about him, except for the bystanders, so we all dusted ourselves off and limped our separate ways.

    Tony and me collected our wheels and rolled away back to the dorm, imitating the kid's scream every thirty feet or so. We had to stop twice on the short trip back because we couldn't keep our balance on our bikes we were laughing so hard.

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